Rab Rakha (chapter XIII)

“ My love is more of a Hollywood, her love is more of a Bollywood…..”

I had a very light almost diminished mark of my previous tattoo on my big right arm which used to disturb her. Though her observation power was not too sharp, but that mark was always a topic of discussion for her. She wanted me to get a cover up tattoo done, and like I knew Rakha, my dominating angel, she got a new activity of thinking as to what will look the best on my huge gigantic arm, that used to keep her occupied. Once she decided to take up anything, she had to do it otherwise a poor guy like me who was a slave in her love, had to bare with her irritable and impatient mood, keeping me away from her soulful, colorful dreamy talks. Rakha was such a staunch, she had to do anything that came to her mind randomly and she was so good with convincing people that no matter how absurd her demand was, people who loved her had to bow down in front of her. But then, that was Rakha and whatever she thought and whatever she wanted to do had to be perfect and for the good of others, if not others atleast I trusted her on everything she thought for me, that it will be for my benefit.  How much I loved being ruled by her, Rakha you were the first woman who had this authority of controlling me, I was certain about your thoughts and intentions, the kind of a personality I was, it was really hard for me to give myself to someone fully. But I saw there was nothing about you that could harm me, I relied on you Rakha, I was dependent on you and it was an experience for me.

                    It was a tiny room filled with three people, Rakha, Tenzin our tattoo artist and I. Tenzin unfortunately had to be present not giving me a chance to love my gracious thoughtful Rakha. It was supposed to be painful, especially for a muscular person like me but it was not bothering me much since she was sitting with me to hold my hand and pass her soothing serene vibes. I was wearing a full sleeve t-shirt I told Rakha, “ its funny how you would be seeing me undressed, nowhere but in Public.”  Her eyes went down and she got conscious, that was a sign of a girl with a good character, she was totally my kind of a girl. It was going well, a fun time spent in that tiny room, but unluckily Tenzin was grabbing too much of her attention. Wow… this girl knew how to flirt and she was quite witty too. Rakha, I got jealous, and more than that I feel it’s more of a man’s job, you sound so good when you flirt with me, but I hate to see you even laugh with any other random guy. Tenzin was a smart guy, he observed my arm size so he did not have the guts to flirt back with her or else he would have ended up seeing a dentist that day. It was a terrific art work being done on my arm and I was loving every bit of it. I felt blessed and it was the most special gift being given to me since it will always be on my body and it will always remind me of Rakha, if only she will leave my mind ever.

My Dear Witty Rab,

                  I love you because you let me reign over you. I appreciate you since I can never let anybody rule over me the way I dominate you. It’s not because I do not trust anybody, it’s just how I’m, being the eldest one among my siblings I’m too habituated of commanding rather than taking one. But I assure you that I would never take an advantage of your trust on me. I feel lucky since you realize and understand our difference in personality, and you take it in a positive way. I trust you way too much but it’s just in my nature to demand things from people that will, at the end make them happy. I feel like making you happy by doing something or the other because just like you Rab, I’m selfish too and I care about my happiness which starts from you and ends on you. Nothing about you disturbed me Rab, even the marks on your body were attractive, it was only when some nasty people made fun of you that pricked me and I thought of shutting their mouth by getting it covered. I’m glad you trust me so much that you had let me satisfied my stabbed ego.

                  

 “ Tenzin, my Rakha is Onkar and I’m the Ik, together we are Ik Onkar. Make them closer so that they stay together forever…..”

RAB RAKHA……..!

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Rab Rakha (chapter X)

         “ I so wanted to kiss you, so I’m thinking if that was my lucky or unlucky day ”

                                All I wanted at the moment was to meet Rab, I was dying to see him, see if he was fine. We couldn’t sleep the entire night, and on top of that he had sent the most emotional song to accompany me in the most sorrowful night ever, which reminded me of his broken heart every second. I felt Rab, himself was singing that song for me. That was the magic about him, the density of pain his heart carried, used to attract me more towards him. He, his feelings, his emotional songs, his breath, his tears, his eyes everything about him was so magnetic to me. I was on pins and needles until I heard his dispirited voice. I felt I had send him back from where I had got him, he was sounding so lost and defeated.

                     So when our second date started, I went in some other world. I was lost in his scent, I was intoxicated by his scent, it was erotic. To sum up, this man knew all my hidden womanly secret and not just my eyes but other senses like my nose, ears and sense of touch were also getting fond of him. Right from the first date, I had noticed we used to wear the same color, hmmm… telepathy I guess.  That evening was so warm and enthralling, and what else could have I asked for, he was at his best.  He was an intense observer, he used to see me like he could see through me, making me feel very conscious about myself. Rab, was a typical male chauvinist and he wanted his woman to be all elegant, graceful yet simple and down to earth. But these were all the things that used to attract me towards him. He was commanding, he wanted to capture all my attention and it was so evident from his body language that he did not wanted anybody to even look at me. He made me feel very valued and protected.

                    I still ponder over the fact that how did he knew I was wearing anklets?  And it was something that made him happy which made me won an extra point for winning his heart. The date was getting awe-inspiring and awesome and suddenly he went on his knees and proposed to me. I was shrinking with shyness but the feeling was so unexplainably mesmeric and marvelous.  Rab you were the first guy who had proposed to me in public with such confidence and love. You gave me my much due status in your life officially which was an achievement for me. I was so happy, I was blushing like a pink rose, I had never felt like this before. You left me near my car like I was a responsibility to you, I did not feel like going back home but what really puzzled me that day was why were you walking behind me all the time? Were you ashamed of walking next to me? Or were you hiding our togetherness from the world?

Rakha, 

You were looking spectacular on our second date, so fit and so well dressed. Your light makeup, your kohled eyes, your light lip gloss, your complexion, the way you play with your hair, the way you walk with such confidence, the way you sit straight with your chest out, your shoulders, your soft rosy skin everything is a turn on for me and the way you blush, oh Rakha, the way you blush, that’s when you arouse the sensations in me. You made me happy simply because you gave me a chance to be your man and let me protect you and satisfy my male ego. I sensed you were wearing an anklet because I knew that you were aware of what I like in a woman and like always you never let me down. I couldn’t help myself for going on my knees which your male chauvinist Rab could have never done that for anybody, but its you Rakha, you make me forget my ego, you make me do things which I never thought I would have ever done in my life. You were so warm with your hug and, tonight I will have the most peaceful sleep in so long, since I had found my home in your arms.

  ‘ I love walking behind you Rakha, so that I can protect my woman from back and forward”

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Rab Rakha (chapter IX)

                                      It was the coldest night of my life Rakha. I have seen the cruelest time, I have been through such bitter experiences but when I met you I thought you are my medal I had won for running through such a hectic race in my previous time. You made me forget all my wounds and discomforts, you got warmth, hopes, dreams, you got me my zeal to live life. I couldn’t believe you cried for me that night, I couldn’t believe I gave you tears and I will never forgive myself for doing so. You are crying because you think you have broken my heart? Rakha what you told me was something I myself was aware from the first day I met you, I was just shattered for a bit because I was so lost and mesmerized in you that I forgot you are just a dream, you are just a season in my life that might end soon but will last in my thoughts till the last breath of my life.

                       I was astounded to see you breaking down for a fish (you were right Rakha) I agree with you I’m a fish I live in water , I accept you are a bird for you fly high, you live in the air you have the whole sky to breathe and you have high reaching, soaring aims in life. Even if we are emotionally, mentally and physically in all ways in love with each other, the fact that there is a wide gap between our worlds would not be taken away. You were shedding your valuable tears and taking all the blame on yourself Rakha, when it was me who was being selfish by expecting you to be with me. I should have thought that I was asking you to sacrifice on your flights, give up on what you are born for, and lower your altitudes. Love which takes you down is not love Rakha, and in true love you want the other person’s good. You took too much of a burden of guilt and wisdom on your shoulders Rakha, when it was my fault that I expected too much out of my life. You are an angel, you have wings and a halo and I was trying to pin you down to the ground when you are born to stay aloft beyond the sky in the heaven.

                           There was a time when in the shells I used to whisper my love songs, and secret rhymes,  I have longed for you for too long. I was too scared to come out of the water, you showed me the world more beautiful outside the shore, you showed me the moon you showed me the stars, you gave me the best feelings in the world. You will never have an idea of what you have done for me Rakha, simply because you don’t know the worth of your wings. And honestly that is one thing that pulls me more closer to you. If I can show you your worth by giving you what you deserve, which I doubt would be possible in this birth since no matter how much I would do for you will be less as compared to what you have given me. But even if i succeed a bit, I would feel that this fish of yours have done one worthy deed in his life. I genuinely want you to stretch your wings out, I want to you to apprentice the beauty and art of living life. I had always wished for the life you are living and if I will be happy if atleast you would be living it fully even if I will not be a part of it.

                           You asked me a very small thing Rakha, when you know me so well inside and out how could you think that I would now stop loving you. I regret for not being able to give you what you deserve and I apologize for not fulfilling your dreams.  Your tears are much more precious than this poor heart filled with intense love and longing for you. I see my happiness in your eyes Rakha, and I will not be able to acquire them if they will be filled with tears. I do not possess any grudges against you, I have a tiff with my God, for he wasted by granting me such a life, not because of my circumstances, but for the fact that you won’t be its part. Rakha, how much I was repenting that night for being where I’m, and my heart will always be howling to be with you.

 Dear God, if you are listening, I sincerely pray from the bottom of my soul to grant us a life of love birds,  in our next birth, so that I can fly with my Rakha, to the heaven so beautiful like a divine adobe, and where nothing will do us apart- sky or the shore, not even the nature, nor the creator, and not even the morals of Rakha.

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Rab Rakha (chapter VIII)

It was the most painful night of my life Rab. It still breaks me in tears when I think about it, my Lord knows I’m the last person to break somebody’s heart and to break the heart of the person who loves me the most was what destroying me.  I had killed my heart to step over yours. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but if you can understand me , if you can look into my heart and come to the knowledge of the unique challenge I’m facing, If you could just come at my position and feel what I’m going through, I would become your slave.  What you can see is a soul full of love, care, romance, understanding, joy and peace which is attracting you, but it is just a camouflage of fear, cheerlessness, blahs and bleakness, defeat and a Broken Heart. I might look like a free bird to you who had got you out of your shell, but in real my flight had limited boundaries. It is you Rab, it is you who gave me the wings to fly, as it is in my destiny to obey the laws set by nature and the creator of the nature. My wings carry a burden full of responsibilities which is never out of my consciousness, but which I happily forget only when you call me in your world.

                  I apologize to you Rab, Hundred apologies to you, what I’m going through was something that I was aware since the first day I met you, I knew this truth would break us apart but just to be with you now I was ready to go through anything that could have happened to me in the future. I just realized today of what would happen to a naïve fish like you, when suddenly one day will not see any bird sitting near the shore, who would take you through imagination to the world where creatures fly. I’m sorry but your depth, your pain your loneliness attracted me and I couldn’t resist myself from flying back to the shore, when my heart kept on reminding me that you will never be able to go inside the sea to your fish nor will you ever be able to take him to your nest.

                               I can hurt myself but all I’m concerned about is you and your heart.  It was genuinely the first time I had felt something so deep and intense for somebody and I could not help myself but to put two souls on stake for my selfish reasons and I’m not just carrying a heart full of guilt, what guilt will I have when I know more than yours, it will be my loss to lose you. I wish you would have not loved me so much Rab, this life would have been little easier for me.  Today you asked me something which every girl in the world must be craving to hear that from you, It was not a craving for me but an intense longing to be wanted by somebody like you.

                                      I want to Rab, I really want to be be with you forever, if you can find a land where we can survive I will leave all and come to you. And if that is not possible will you accept me with my cruelty and selfishness. Will you accept me with my morals and responsibilities.  Would you even make an attempt to understand me of what I’m going through.  My wings are tied up, I feel so pinned and helpless Rab. I understand how it feels when you swim alone in the sea like similarly how difficult it was to fly in sky, unaccompanied, lonely and forlorn. I’m so emotionally attached to you Rab , I couldn’t curb my desire to spend a moment with you , a moment which was a life in itself for me. Would you still love me Rab? Would you still accept me after the most blunt boorish confession I made to you tonight?  I’m asking you something that you had asked me, would you leave me if I fall for you?

  It was the most inhumane, heartless conversation I ever had with the person I loved the most and the most brutal coldest night of the warmest season of my life.

           “ I will answer all your questions Rakha, but tonight I want to go back to my shell,  last few days were a dream for me and what you said tonight is a nightmare,  all I have to figure it out tonight is which one will stay with me in the end. Angel, i will still be waiting for you by the shore, but not tonight, not tonight..."

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Rab Rakha (chapter VII)

                Rab- “Mahi, Did you speak to her ? Is she Happy?”

                  I can’t wait to see her next. She was so good to be true. She could understand my emotions more than I could understand them.  Oh, this feeling when the phone beeps on the unusual timings, this feeling of knowing that I have someone I can call when I want to, all of sudden my world started to look populated. She makes me smile even when she was not around, she is the one who makes me blush when she texts me something romantic, that she was. Her friends exchange her messages with me, she surely knows how to make my day bright and alive. I do not feel anymore that I’m dragging my life, she genuinely made efforts to make me happy, simply because she knows me, she understands my lonely side she knows how to pamper me, she knows how to make one feel special and exceptional, she is fantabulous, she is my charming angel.

               My day started when she used to wake me up early in the morning, before the dawn and on top of that - the weather , we met each other in autumn, that weather felt more chimerical, colorful and fancy when combined with her amorous poetic erotic voice. Waking up in the morning was now an amusement for me.  I used to feel I was in heaven when she used say all those utopian, otherworldly words to me. I could talk all mushy stuff with her, I could take her to the moon and make her dance among the stars. She never laughed on me, she never pretended she was being what I wanted her to be, she was naturally so identical to my thoughts.  I was in love with her thoughts, her feelings her passion towards love and life. I wanted to undress her conscience and  make love to her thoughts, for it was beautiful to watch that somebody wanted to slowly take down all the walls I had built around my heart  and let her inside. She made attempts and she was succeeding.

                                   Rakha, you win , I lose…!

               I started staying occupied, mentally and emotionally, I was distancing myself from all the negative thoughts and aura. My friends were calling me with different names, my colleagues started observing me, it took her just three days to change my solemn and intense look to a very flippant, joyful personality. I wanted to take care of her, protect her from all the bad times, I wanted to go out of the way and take her all alone on cloud nine.  For the first time I was living my dream, she came in my life with such positive changes, She was changing my routine for good, getting me a healthy regime, she was getting discipline in my life, she was giving relief to my mind and pleasure to my heart. For good seven years I had feelings for a beautiful girl who never acknowledged them, Rakha I’m glad, I met you, I’m certain my heart are in the most beautiful hands- my highness I’m always sitting on my knees with my arms open for you and I’ll always keep you on my chest so that you can always be close to my heartbeats. 

Rab,

Oh, Rab what did you just say? I have never heard something so divine and romantic before.  I have saved these words in the most treasured corner of my heart. If you deny the beauties and say these words to me, you don’t know what you are giving me. Refusing these words will be refusing love, I do not want to make the biggest mistake of my life by not acknowledging them, I have forgotten everything for the moment Rab, I have forgotten my own seven year fascination for a guy. If I had to hear this today then I’am glad he declined me and my words and I will happily be refused by all, just to be and hear you express.

                    My hundred vows and your one line- I give up…!  

             Rakha- “ Mahi, you met him today? Was he happy?”

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Rab Rakha (chapter VI)

   Dear Rab,

              Is it just what I was hoping to happen? How could we get each other’s telepathic messages?  At all the odd times when I used to think about him, it was insanely unbelievable to see my phone ringing with his name flashing on it. You could turn my tears into smile and vice-versa as you were controlling me emotionally and mentally with a responsibility that would have not crumbled me. I do not know how but I can see through your soul and I understand you more than I recognize myself.

               I do not know what relationship I had with you since what I was feeling was exceptionally  incredible , and where we will land with each other since I feel every second that to be with you Is like being with somebody who is much superior to me in every bits n tits but I promise to you that you will always be felt like you are the centre of my universe, you will  always be felt loved and so much that it might give you a reason to behave all high and mighty, haughty, pompous or vainglorious. It will give you tears and make your heart feel alive every time when I will pay my gratitude towards you for sweeping my feet off the ground. It might at times look phony and fictitious to you, or at times push you away from me out of frustration and suffocation and it might even make you repent for giving a part of your life to a irritating girl like me.

I will give you a part of me and after that I will not be having anything left to give. I saw my soulmate in you and the way you made me feel in just couple of days was what nobody could have ever made me feel like that. I do not have words to thank you for what you made me go through since those were the best feelings I was experiencing.  It is not normal that somebody could express to me exactly the way I had always dreamt about. He used to say the exact words that I had written somewhere in my secret childhood diary and sing those songs which were always humming in the most adored corner of my heart.  You truly know how to live since you done something for me that I will never be able to repay you.  

                                                              You win, I lose.

                Rab, for the love you have given me I promise to you that I would give you all that had been missing in your life and much more than that. For when I love someone I love him with a dedication that is at once hard to believe. I would be loyal to you all physically, mentally and emotionally.  When I see someone else apart from you, it will never be with an intention that will cross my own limits set by me. I only and only think about you in my thoughts as the man being most gorgeous and charming. There will never be a moment when I will be attracted to somebody for any xyz reason. I will give you love even at the times when it will not be your necessity, the kind and amount of love that will be enough for a lifetime. I will understand your emotions and would never give up on you until you would want to detach yourself from this connection. I would always convince you for the good time to come if we’ll ever have a bad time, I would always pray for you and your goodness.  And so much I wish I could do, so that if ever in our lives we are apart you will never be able to have any reason to shed a tear of not being loved.  Where ever you are Rab, I hope you are smiling. Rab Rakha……

              Rab- “if you have to give me a nickname, what would it be?”

              Rakha- “Soulmate…!”

             Rakha-“ if  you had to give me a nickname, what would it be Rab?”

             Rab- “Rab”

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Rab Rakha (chapter V)

   Rakha- “But what will I do on this stupid date. I do not even know him Mahi.”

 Mahi- “ Rakha, Either this date would be your worst date ever, or it would be out of the world.”

                              This is imaginary, this feeling is unbelievable, these words are just a prank being played on me, that evening was not real, that night was beyond my imagination it was stupendous. How can someone so identical to my dream lover exist in real? How can he look at me exactly the way I wanted somebody to look at me, how could he give me my desired compliments without even making an attempt to fetch them, how can somebody so stunning,  ravishing, grand, impressive and handsome appreciate a bumbling personality like me.  I believe he was just being a gentleman by being esteemed about our coffee meet , I mean it would definitely not forge ahead after this.  I will not complain if this doesn’t get prolonged, he did more than I could have ever asked for.

                                      I was gleaming and flushing and bursting of happiness and exuberance that night.  That man was a diviner, he’s got me in a paradise of animation, sprightliness and zest.  If you are reading me Rab, I want to confess today, that evening I did not wanted to leave you and come back to my world. But even If I was back physically, just like a black magic, I was hypnotized by your eyes, my heart was captured and I surrendered my soul to you.  You surely came to meet me with your tricks and like a flimflammer when I was getting lost in you, you pinned me down with an invisible string. There is an invisible string that binds us together and I feel I’m a puppet to you now.

                                 It was nothing but dreaming with open eyes. I had full faith in him that he would not contact me the other day and that evening would be left in my memories as an exquisite experience of my life. But I guess stars were in my favor, I was being very fortunate, blessed actually. Rab you blessed me by giving me the feeling of being wanting to meet me you again. I still have doubts if you will have this urge of knowing me more, when you will actually start getting to know me, but I was curious to know if you will speak good or speak the truth to the person who actually got us introduced.  I was impatient to know if you were feeling the same like me and I was wanting to know that from Mahi, my best friend.

             Mahi- “ how was it, Rakha. What happened?”

            Rakha- “MAGIC…!”

             Rakha,

                   Not believing me is like not believing in yourself. What I’m making you feel  is something that you must already be convinced about. I’m astonished that how could I be the first person to show you who you are.  You are a priceless Gem Rakha. Everything about you is magnetic and appealing. I see you and I feel I’m making love to you for the powerful, compelling ruling aura you have.  Why are you so full of doubts, about not being contacted again? I’m impatient to hear your bewitching flirtatious voice,  after a decade I have had a reason to be awake all night and think about someone so pure and attractive.  I’m assured I’m not dreaming, neither I was dreaming when I saw a halo around your head-                                                                                   

                       ‘ I dreamt about a girl like you’       


         

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