Wednesday, 3 September 2014

Love is Forever

Magnetizing and Mesmerizing, I was in love with him since I was five. There was no one more beautiful than him. There was something about his aura that would pull me towards him all the time I gazed at him. You know we were those kind of lovers who would not question or begged each other for any answers, nor would we have to prove our love for each other. We were always there listening and feeling the silence one had to offer which no one would and could understand. He was serene, my angel and my enticing beauty. I could look at him for hours and feel him from wherever I was. He had lived a hundred years but he seemed that he was mine. He was lonely but he had so much affection to offer me without having any demand. I had longed for him every day and at winters it would become unbearable not to look at him. He was always there for me when I had passed my nights without any companion; with him I had never felt unloved and unwanted. He understands my emotional energies, and the feelings that make me feel comfortable and secure. Love based solely on emotions is pure and never dies. We were connected to each other and it has been written in my destiny by god, because he gave birth to me in the phase where he was my necessity and only he was required so much, to make me calm. He is forlorn and he’s a mirror to my soul. I smile with so many emotions and pain inside. Stars increase and decrease but his love is fixed and infinite. I howl when he promises me to go and come back when the time is right, but heart is sure he’ll always come back. I wonder what it like was to be like him, he was living for love and his love for me. I also wonder what it will take to reach him. With him I understood love was unconditional. He keeps a watch on me while I am sleeping and I can feel his light pass through my soul giving relief to my fire and desire to be loved. He would touch me and enhance my beauty, giving a shine to my humanly body. He was a sheer romance and it was because of his light and spirit I had known what it was like to feel love without having any physical interaction with anyone. He says he dies every morning because I yearn for him all night, yet it is my longing that he’s living for. He’s a symbol of love and lovers swear by him when they make all the vows. He’s witnessed Juliet and he tells me she was a beauty like me and Romeo was inspired by him. He says it’s beautiful when the wolves make love. It’s a pleasure to feel the absence and shed a few pearls from the sea of love when you miss your beloved. He tells me it’s a feeling in itself to witness a heartbroken lover walk alone with his shadow at night. He takes me to another world where I see the beauty in things I had never experienced before. He’s the one who make me sleep with his charming stories. He gives me a reconciliation that someone is there when the world leaves you on your own. I have heard people talking about him having a hole in his heart but all I see is his enchanting beauty, the hole is not inside him, he is inside a hole. And he lives in a void, scared to come near his lover, because he believes that is the place where he belongs.  It’s been more than twenty years now that I have loved him, but he still seems so far and lone. I cannot love anyone apart from him, because it’s him who will live and love me longer than me. I wish I could reach out to him, but everyone say I would have to fall in love with someone else who will take me to him. They say we all will one day become stars and then I will be with him. May be its true, my love story is incomplete and denied, I cannot have him, but my longing for him will never die and one day I shall become his favorite star, my Moon. 

Monday, 12 August 2013

Rab Rakha (chapter XX)

Rab- “You are my breath…”
Rakha- “You are my soul…”

                     “Will you marry me Rakha, let’s take the pheras right now, and let’s get married?” I did not know how to react; it was probably the most difficult situation of my life since my heart and my head were in never ending quarrel with each other. Rab I understand and respect your love, but would you understand me for a moment? I did not know how I was supposed to feel, my heart wanted to live the moment to the fullest and do everything that I really wanted to, even get married to Rab which would have required me break the trust of my God like parents. But my mind was pulling me back, scared of the consequences and how selfish I would have become by taking that step. Since the time I had met him, since three months now, my mind and my heart were never together even for a single day. That was one reason why Rab used to feel I was always lost and I was always in some other world. I wanted to do everything he wanted to, but my mind used to pull me back and I had infinite fears and duties to look after in my life. I was not happy; my soul was very depressed, all these moments and this phase would be a short lived time in my life.  It was the biggest defeat of your soul who knew in advance that its dreams would be shattered soon. Had anybody seen his dream getting destroyed right in front of him? I had, I was seeing my dream right in front of me and I knew it in advance that he would always be my dream and nothing more than that. We took four parikramas around the gurudwara, which were like four pheras for me…. I did not have the guts to proceed further…..!

                        Mentally and emotionally exhausted, we sat near the pool which was surrounding the gurudwara. The black water was said to have some magic in it, the pilgrim was immersed in the pool was a symbol of cleansing of the soul. So my fish, my Rab went where he belonged to, he quickly dived himself into the pool and he looked pure as ever. I had never seen someone look so free of fault before. Rab was a pure soul himself, but he was constantly in a war with his mind, he had this misconception that he was the cruelest human alive. He had no trust in his good deeds and he portrayed his false bad boy image to the world, but deep inside his heart he knew he was a God’s child. Like me he was a believer and a follower of God. Even if mentally we were apart, emotionally we were like mirrors to each other. When he had got done with the bathing, I gave him a hundred rupee note as a lady luck and with that I had passed him all my good luck and lucky charm which I prayed would always be with him even if I was not. He refused at once, he refused for everything I wanted to do for him, and he was very emotional that time, though he was physically present with me, but emotionally he had gone into his protective shell. I couldn’t go inside the water, I was full of guilt and even a hundred good deeds would have not made up for what sin I was doing to my Rab’s sinless soul. I could feel his pain, I could see his invisible tears and just like him I had gone inside my shell.

                               Dear God,
           If you listening to me, please see me through my heart. I’m truly and madly in love with a very precious soul of yours for whom I had waited for long twenty four years of my life. To get separated from him would be like being separated from my life. If he could take me to such an auspicious place and get me closer to you, he can’t be bad for me and my life. You know it of all, God how much I love him and how badly I need and want him. If you think I would deserve my love, I would be thankful to you all the time, for he is my last wish ever. Or else give him all my happiness and give me all his pain. We are Rab and Rakha for the world, God you can do anything and everything, please do some magic and make us RabRakha.

Rab Rakha will be available on flipkart and infibeam for the people living in India and on for  the people living outside India. 

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Saturday, 3 August 2013

Rab Rakha (chapter XVII)

“I don’t want to understand you because if I do, I’ll be no where…”

I had been dressing up only and only for my Rab, since the day I had met him because nobody used to see me the way he used to and nobody used to make me feel beautiful about myself like he did. He had some magic in his eyes, his eye contact was so intense that I never gathered the courage to look in them and that I had to look away. He was such a beauty himself that I was on a constant effort to please his eyes. He loved pretty girls; he loved simplicity and gorgeousness in a woman. And on top of that I was so possessive about him that it was always a challenge for me to look even better every time I met him. I always wanted to show him the best in me; he deserved all the beautiful things and feelings in the world. He was absolutely everything I had ever wanted in my life and I could do anything to make him feel exceptional. It was a birthday party of a very special person, she was special to both of us, and she had invited us to celebrate her big day with her at her place. I was excited more than usual since the dress code for the event for traditional Indian wear for the girls and formals for the guys. I couldn’t let this occasion go out of my hand, I had to look exactly like what Rab would always dream her idol girl to dress up like and I was way too looking forward to the event.

                 He had left the party leaving me complete, even when we did not display much of affection publically, but the kind of love he displayed through his eyes was enough for a girl like me. I was just hoping him to stay for longer or if not stay with me, then I wish he would have taken me with him because the minute he left me, I did feel very lonesome without him there. I still don’t figure out why was this case that somebody’s presence could make your existence so intact and the minute they left you, you would feel so diminished and divided. After the unforgettable moment that he gave me, I was sure of the very next thing I was about to do for him and before I could tell anyone about it, I found myself sitting with Tenzin, all set to take the similar pain my Rab went through around twenty days before the present day I would be sharing with you all. Because it was a Latino Hispanic tradition that when lovers get the same tattoo imprinted on their body, God keeps them together in their next birth too. So I was here, I wanted Rab not just in this birth or the upcoming one, but in all the births I was destined to survive, and I could go through any madness and pain to have him and be with him. Rab was obviously unaware of the surprise I was about to give him, only was friend Mahi, was giving me company in my dementia -fanaticism. Rab, my love I’m sure you would be reading me, while you were not there I did not use my flirting tricks to entertain myself, so you can secretly flash a victorious smile because like I know you, that would definitely be your first thought when you will get to know about my tattoo. It was not at all hurting me; I was infact very itchy to see his reaction. This time Tenzin needed no instructions, he knew he had to make the ‘ik’ and the ‘onkar’ together, I guess like Rab and I, even he wanted us to be close to each other.

                  I read you every day, I miss you every bit in my life. I love you from the core of my soul Rakha. I’m married to your soul and not even God can get me apart from you. I have given my heart and my breadth to you and I pray to the almighty to take all my happiness from me and put it in your lap. If my God loves me Rakha, he will write your name in my destiny, I know you are my unreachable dream but if I get you, I will get the whole world. You are my beautiful angel, nobody is like you, and since the time you have come in my life I see my life elevating because of your good deeds done. I dedicate my life, my soul, my words, my smile, my emotions and my tears to you Rakha. You love me with so much of density that you touch my soul. You ask me “ why do you love me so much Rab?”.  Rakha  you don’t need any reason to love your soul, your spirit, your secret self, that’s why I have no reason to love you. You are my Guru and I’m your biggest devotee, you are the nicest human alive and I salute to your morals and respect you for all that you have done for me. You are my prayer Rakha, you are a blessing to me from the lord and to love you is to love God. Your love has a passion, your love is addictive, and everything about you is enslaving and obsessive. Rakha what you did for me today, in return of it, I would give you anything, I would give you my life too and I’m being very honest about it. You don’t know how much I love you Rakha, I wish I could tell you but like you, even I’m unaware about it.

         “ I know one day when people will talk about love, they will talk about RabRakha… “

Rab Rakha will be available on flipkart and infibeam for the people living in India and on for  the people living outside India. 

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Monday, 22 July 2013

Rab Rakha (chapter XIII)

“ My love is more of a Hollywood, her love is more of a Bollywood…..”

I had a very light almost diminished mark of my previous tattoo on my big right arm which used to disturb her. Though her observation power was not too sharp, but that mark was always a topic of discussion for her. She wanted me to get a cover up tattoo done, and like I knew Rakha, my dominating angel, she got a new activity of thinking as to what will look the best on my huge gigantic arm, that used to keep her occupied. Once she decided to take up anything, she had to do it otherwise a poor guy like me who was a slave in her love, had to bare with her irritable and impatient mood, keeping me away from her soulful, colorful dreamy talks. Rakha was such a staunch, she had to do anything that came to her mind randomly and she was so good with convincing people that no matter how absurd her demand was, people who loved her had to bow down in front of her. But then, that was Rakha and whatever she thought and whatever she wanted to do had to be perfect and for the good of others, if not others atleast I trusted her on everything she thought for me, that it will be for my benefit.  How much I loved being ruled by her, Rakha you were the first woman who had this authority of controlling me, I was certain about your thoughts and intentions, the kind of a personality I was, it was really hard for me to give myself to someone fully. But I saw there was nothing about you that could harm me, I relied on you Rakha, I was dependent on you and it was an experience for me.

                    It was a tiny room filled with three people, Rakha, Tenzin our tattoo artist and I. Tenzin unfortunately had to be present not giving me a chance to love my gracious thoughtful Rakha. It was supposed to be painful, especially for a muscular person like me but it was not bothering me much since she was sitting with me to hold my hand and pass her soothing serene vibes. I was wearing a full sleeve t-shirt I told Rakha, “ its funny how you would be seeing me undressed, nowhere but in Public.”  Her eyes went down and she got conscious, that was a sign of a girl with a good character, she was totally my kind of a girl. It was going well, a fun time spent in that tiny room, but unluckily Tenzin was grabbing too much of her attention. Wow… this girl knew how to flirt and she was quite witty too. Rakha, I got jealous, and more than that I feel it’s more of a man’s job, you sound so good when you flirt with me, but I hate to see you even laugh with any other random guy. Tenzin was a smart guy, he observed my arm size so he did not have the guts to flirt back with her or else he would have ended up seeing a dentist that day. It was a terrific art work being done on my arm and I was loving every bit of it. I felt blessed and it was the most special gift being given to me since it will always be on my body and it will always remind me of Rakha, if only she will leave my mind ever.

My Dear Witty Rab,
                  I love you because you let me reign over you. I appreciate you since I can never let anybody rule over me the way I dominate you. It’s not because I do not trust anybody, it’s just how I’m, being the eldest one among my siblings I’m too habituated of commanding rather than taking one. But I assure you that I would never take an advantage of your trust on me. I feel lucky since you realize and understand our difference in personality, and you take it in a positive way. I trust you way too much but it’s just in my nature to demand things from people that will, at the end make them happy. I feel like making you happy by doing something or the other because just like you Rab, I’m selfish too and I care about my happiness which starts from you and ends on you. Nothing about you disturbed me Rab, even the marks on your body were attractive, it was only when some nasty people made fun of you that pricked me and I thought of shutting their mouth by getting it covered. I’m glad you trust me so much that you had let me satisfied my stabbed ego.

 “ Tenzin, my Rakha is Onkar and I’m the Ik, together we are Ik Onkar. Make them closer so that they stay together forever…..”


Rab Rakha will be available on flipkart and infibeam for the people living in India and on for  the people living outside India. 

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Monday, 15 July 2013

Rab Rakha (chapter X)

         “ I so wanted to kiss you, so I’m thinking if that was my lucky or unlucky day ”

                                All I wanted at the moment was to meet Rab, I was dying to see him, see if he was fine. We couldn’t sleep the entire night, and on top of that he had sent the most emotional song to accompany me in the most sorrowful night ever, which reminded me of his broken heart every second. I felt Rab, himself was singing that song for me. That was the magic about him, the density of pain his heart carried, used to attract me more towards him. He, his feelings, his emotional songs, his breath, his tears, his eyes everything about him was so magnetic to me. I was on pins and needles until I heard his dispirited voice. I felt I had send him back from where I had got him, he was sounding so lost and defeated.

                     So when our second date started, I went in some other world. I was lost in his scent, I was intoxicated by his scent, it was erotic. To sum up, this man knew all my hidden womanly secret and not just my eyes but other senses like my nose, ears and sense of touch were also getting fond of him. Right from the first date, I had noticed we used to wear the same color, hmmm… telepathy I guess.  That evening was so warm and enthralling, and what else could have I asked for, he was at his best.  He was an intense observer, he used to see me like he could see through me, making me feel very conscious about myself. Rab, was a typical male chauvinist and he wanted his woman to be all elegant, graceful yet simple and down to earth. But these were all the things that used to attract me towards him. He was commanding, he wanted to capture all my attention and it was so evident from his body language that he did not wanted anybody to even look at me. He made me feel very valued and protected.

                    I still ponder over the fact that how did he knew I was wearing anklets?  And it was something that made him happy which made me won an extra point for winning his heart. The date was getting awe-inspiring and awesome and suddenly he went on his knees and proposed to me. I was shrinking with shyness but the feeling was so unexplainably mesmeric and marvelous.  Rab you were the first guy who had proposed to me in public with such confidence and love. You gave me my much due status in your life officially which was an achievement for me. I was so happy, I was blushing like a pink rose, I had never felt like this before. You left me near my car like I was a responsibility to you, I did not feel like going back home but what really puzzled me that day was why were you walking behind me all the time? Were you ashamed of walking next to me? Or were you hiding our togetherness from the world?

You were looking spectacular on our second date, so fit and so well dressed. Your light makeup, your kohled eyes, your light lip gloss, your complexion, the way you play with your hair, the way you walk with such confidence, the way you sit straight with your chest out, your shoulders, your soft rosy skin everything is a turn on for me and the way you blush, oh Rakha, the way you blush, that’s when you arouse the sensations in me. You made me happy simply because you gave me a chance to be your man and let me protect you and satisfy my male ego. I sensed you were wearing an anklet because I knew that you were aware of what I like in a woman and like always you never let me down. I couldn’t help myself for going on my knees which your male chauvinist Rab could have never done that for anybody, but its you Rakha, you make me forget my ego, you make me do things which I never thought I would have ever done in my life. You were so warm with your hug and, tonight I will have the most peaceful sleep in so long, since I had found my home in your arms.

  ‘ I love walking behind you Rakha, so that I can protect my woman from back and forward”

Rab Rakha will be available on flipkart and infibeam for the people living in India and on for  the people living outside India. 

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Saturday, 13 July 2013

Rab Rakha (chapter IX)

                                      It was the coldest night of my life Rakha. I have seen the cruelest time, I have been through such bitter experiences but when I met you I thought you are my medal I had won for running through such a hectic race in my previous time. You made me forget all my wounds and discomforts, you got warmth, hopes, dreams, you got me my zeal to live life. I couldn’t believe you cried for me that night, I couldn’t believe I gave you tears and I will never forgive myself for doing so. You are crying because you think you have broken my heart? Rakha what you told me was something I myself was aware from the first day I met you, I was just shattered for a bit because I was so lost and mesmerized in you that I forgot you are just a dream, you are just a season in my life that might end soon but will last in my thoughts till the last breath of my life.

                       I was astounded to see you breaking down for a fish (you were right Rakha) I agree with you I’m a fish I live in water , I accept you are a bird for you fly high, you live in the air you have the whole sky to breathe and you have high reaching, soaring aims in life. Even if we are emotionally, mentally and physically in all ways in love with each other, the fact that there is a wide gap between our worlds would not be taken away. You were shedding your valuable tears and taking all the blame on yourself Rakha, when it was me who was being selfish by expecting you to be with me. I should have thought that I was asking you to sacrifice on your flights, give up on what you are born for, and lower your altitudes. Love which takes you down is not love Rakha, and in true love you want the other person’s good. You took too much of a burden of guilt and wisdom on your shoulders Rakha, when it was my fault that I expected too much out of my life. You are an angel, you have wings and a halo and I was trying to pin you down to the ground when you are born to stay aloft beyond the sky in the heaven.

                           There was a time when in the shells I used to whisper my love songs, and secret rhymes,  I have longed for you for too long. I was too scared to come out of the water, you showed me the world more beautiful outside the shore, you showed me the moon you showed me the stars, you gave me the best feelings in the world. You will never have an idea of what you have done for me Rakha, simply because you don’t know the worth of your wings. And honestly that is one thing that pulls me more closer to you. If I can show you your worth by giving you what you deserve, which I doubt would be possible in this birth since no matter how much I would do for you will be less as compared to what you have given me. But even if i succeed a bit, I would feel that this fish of yours have done one worthy deed in his life. I genuinely want you to stretch your wings out, I want to you to apprentice the beauty and art of living life. I had always wished for the life you are living and if I will be happy if atleast you would be living it fully even if I will not be a part of it.

                           You asked me a very small thing Rakha, when you know me so well inside and out how could you think that I would now stop loving you. I regret for not being able to give you what you deserve and I apologize for not fulfilling your dreams.  Your tears are much more precious than this poor heart filled with intense love and longing for you. I see my happiness in your eyes Rakha, and I will not be able to acquire them if they will be filled with tears. I do not possess any grudges against you, I have a tiff with my God, for he wasted by granting me such a life, not because of my circumstances, but for the fact that you won’t be its part. Rakha, how much I was repenting that night for being where I’m, and my heart will always be howling to be with you.

 Dear God, if you are listening, I sincerely pray from the bottom of my soul to grant us a life of love birds,  in our next birth, so that I can fly with my Rakha, to the heaven so beautiful like a divine adobe, and where nothing will do us apart- sky or the shore, not even the nature, nor the creator, and not even the morals of Rakha.

Rab Rakha will be available on flipkart and infibeam for the people living in India and on for  the people living outside India. 

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Friday, 12 July 2013

Rab Rakha (chapter VIII)

It was the most painful night of my life Rab. It still breaks me in tears when I think about it, my Lord knows I’m the last person to break somebody’s heart and to break the heart of the person who loves me the most was what destroying me.  I had killed my heart to step over yours. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but if you can understand me , if you can look into my heart and come to the knowledge of the unique challenge I’m facing, If you could just come at my position and feel what I’m going through, I would become your slave.  What you can see is a soul full of love, care, romance, understanding, joy and peace which is attracting you, but it is just a camouflage of fear, cheerlessness, blahs and bleakness, defeat and a Broken Heart. I might look like a free bird to you who had got you out of your shell, but in real my flight had limited boundaries. It is you Rab, it is you who gave me the wings to fly, as it is in my destiny to obey the laws set by nature and the creator of the nature. My wings carry a burden full of responsibilities which is never out of my consciousness, but which I happily forget only when you call me in your world.

                  I apologize to you Rab, Hundred apologies to you, what I’m going through was something that I was aware since the first day I met you, I knew this truth would break us apart but just to be with you now I was ready to go through anything that could have happened to me in the future. I just realized today of what would happen to a na├»ve fish like you, when suddenly one day will not see any bird sitting near the shore, who would take you through imagination to the world where creatures fly. I’m sorry but your depth, your pain your loneliness attracted me and I couldn’t resist myself from flying back to the shore, when my heart kept on reminding me that you will never be able to go inside the sea to your fish nor will you ever be able to take him to your nest.

                               I can hurt myself but all I’m concerned about is you and your heart.  It was genuinely the first time I had felt something so deep and intense for somebody and I could not help myself but to put two souls on stake for my selfish reasons and I’m not just carrying a heart full of guilt, what guilt will I have when I know more than yours, it will be my loss to lose you. I wish you would have not loved me so much Rab, this life would have been little easier for me.  Today you asked me something which every girl in the world must be craving to hear that from you, It was not a craving for me but an intense longing to be wanted by somebody like you.

                                      I want to Rab, I really want to be be with you forever, if you can find a land where we can survive I will leave all and come to you. And if that is not possible will you accept me with my cruelty and selfishness. Will you accept me with my morals and responsibilities.  Would you even make an attempt to understand me of what I’m going through.  My wings are tied up, I feel so pinned and helpless Rab. I understand how it feels when you swim alone in the sea like similarly how difficult it was to fly in sky, unaccompanied, lonely and forlorn. I’m so emotionally attached to you Rab , I couldn’t curb my desire to spend a moment with you , a moment which was a life in itself for me. Would you still love me Rab? Would you still accept me after the most blunt boorish confession I made to you tonight?  I’m asking you something that you had asked me, would you leave me if I fall for you?

  It was the most inhumane, heartless conversation I ever had with the person I loved the most and the most brutal coldest night of the warmest season of my life.

           “ I will answer all your questions Rakha, but tonight I want to go back to my shell,  last few days were a dream for me and what you said tonight is a nightmare,  all I have to figure it out tonight is which one will stay with me in the end. Angel, i will still be waiting for you by the shore, but not tonight, not tonight..."

Rab Rakha will be available on flipkart and infibeam for the people living in India and on for  the people living outside India. 

You can join my fan page by the name of 'Karnika Gupta' on facebook for more updates.